Who am I without you?

Why Therapy is Effective in Rebuilding Self-Identity After the Loss of a Long-Term Relationship

C.Jung and the creative bridge "When an inner situation is not made conscious, it happens outside, as fate."

The loss of a loved one—whether through death, divorce, or separation—is a deeply traumatic experience. It leaves us grappling with grief, questioning when the pain will ease, and feeling lost in despair. This profound sense of loss can shake the very foundation of our identity.

Nick Cave captures this sentiment poignantly in The Red Hand Files:

"There is an uneasy truth that collects like a shadow over every long-term loving relationship – that one must stay and the other depart. That ultimate and inevitable departure of the other takes a fundamental piece of ourselves, a part of our being, leaving us with a terrible feeling of incompleteness."

This resonates deeply with me, as I have personally experienced the loss of my husband of 20 years. Widowed at 42, with three young children, I faced the complex journey of grief—its stages, painful emotions, and lasting impact. Beyond the emotional toll, I had to reevaluate my place in the world and rediscover who I was outside of the relationship.

Grief is a unique and subjective journey, but the shared experience of loss and the accompanying suffering is universal. When a relationship ends, the role we played in it also ends. For me, the realization that my role as a wife had ceased was both painful and confusing. Grief forces us to confront a new reality, altering our roles and reshaping our world into an unfamiliar landscape.

The grieving process is not linear, and there is no set timeline for healing. However, there is hope. Over time, the pain subsides, replaced by acceptance. The memories remain, but the cloud of grief lifts. Navigating this journey requires us to sit with our emotions, respect our process, and accept support from others.

In my work, I draw on Carl Jung’s ideas about symbolism as a bridge between the unconscious and conscious mind. Symbols can facilitate healing and personal growth. One powerful symbol I use with bereaved clients is The Bridge. This symbol, explored in Minulescu’s (2015) research, represents connectedness, transformation, and the integration of trauma. It serves as a metaphor for the journey toward self-reconnection and healing.

Trauma from the loss of a significant relationship often manifests physically, as Van der Kolk (2015) explains in The Body Keeps the Score. Trauma is stored in the body, leading to stress and a disconnection from ourselves and others. Suppressing emotions can result in depression, anxiety, and physical symptoms. Learning to lean into our pain, though challenging, is essential for healing.

I use transpersonal techniques to help clients release bodily stress, gain emotional clarity, and reconnect with themselves. These techniques go beyond the individual, tapping into a spiritual realm that transforms crises into opportunities for growth. The Alchemical model (Gruber, 2007) helps identify qualities that clients may lack, hindering their healing. By working with elements like Earth (will), Water (emotion), Fire (energy), and Air (mind), to create a balance, clients can progress through the alchemical cycle toward self-actualization.

Therapeutic approaches such as breathwork, meditation, and creative visualisation help clients access and process hidden parts of themselves. These methods calm the nervous system, release stress, and foster a renewed sense of self.

Sharing experiences of loss is also a powerful tool for healing. It fosters connection, builds resilience, and promotes positive functioning. Research by Tugade and Frederickson (2004) highlights that sharing positive experiences enhances our ability to cope with stress. Listening with unconditional regard not only supports the grieving individual but also benefits the listener, creating a shared space for healing.

With the right support, it is possible to navigate grief and rebuild self-identity. While the timing of healing varies for each person, the journey toward acceptance and self-discovery is transformative. Therapy provides a safe space to explore this process, offering hope and the tools needed to move forward.